To tell you the truth...

There could be so many words I would 'spit' it out on your "face" if I hadn't try to swallow them in.
The words erupt from my heart but I had stuck them in my throat.
I knew that these words once spoken, would be so ugly,so hurtful and perhaps unfair.
Spoken from a selfish gal.

I almost said,

"I didnt think we could connect beyond superficiality. I am so sorry for being a brat and not putting my (bad) emotions in control. But I am hating the fact that you are now telling me to do so.

First & foremost, I do understand how pain in the ass it could be for tolerating a person like me.And I couldnt understand myself why I couldnt just learn to be more understanding and less selfish cos' I'm sorry that I always put my emotions and feelings in priority.

Let's talk about handling bad emotions. Fuck it.
I used to think that it is only but normal for certain persons if not everyone to have layers of feelings. The one you see outside is often not the one you expect beneath.
Be in control. I hate to say but fuck it.
I would like to think that I am not abusing anyone. At times I am just tired,sincerely tired. It could be physically tired but perhaps most of the time tired of the boredom. Whichever way that you or me deem it to be. And I get bored, I slipped back to the me within. Maybe once or twice I would hint subtly that it is very boring or it aint no fun. But when nothing could be done, I dont expect myself to hehehe the rest of the way.
When tired of boredom comes,physically tired rubs in and I am not hurling it out cos' it could very possibly worsen the situation and then I would be abusing you with my truely bad mood. So when I keep quiet, I am already controling my temper. What more do you want of me!If I dont keep quiet, you are gonna expect worse of me.If I hadnt keep quiet when I am in a foul mood, we would not be coming close to where we are!

I blame it on the size of Singapore that heavily of the places we could seek fun and freshness.But please...I need romance! Going to Sungei Buloh and 'hike' aint any Sherlock's idea. Especially when I already told you that I am tired, I swore.Ok,you could blame me for being a spoiler cos I could tell what's coming out next and what's gonna be surprise turns out predictable. Dont ask me to think!Dont ask me to think!!If I am gonna decide what's romantic and what's not and AM able to predict what's the next surprise gonna be, please...lemme be a guy or GAY next time!Solve the trouble and ease the woes.

Which brings me to the first sentence. I almost wanna tell you that sometimes I just dont feel the connectivity between us and it frustrates me more when you talk about the future in the midst of it.That doesnt pass off as being romantic but somewhat scary.I dont even know,baby.

I know the truth. I know even till now that you are still the one loving me more. I am still in doubts at times like this. I dont even know how to tell you one day that if I dont know if I feel the way you do for me.Am I just loving you loving me? In an angle, it's not wrong but in another, it couldnt be more of a mistake.

It is annoying me that even coming to 3 years, I am still feeling this way. Could it be a contributing reason that I behaved the way that I do and treated you that way when I am feeling lousy cos' the 'connection' aint there?

I almost wanna ask you if you still remember what you promised me in the beginning? All those emails when we always wrote to each other. All those doubts that you answered. Do you still remember and would still promise?

Ironically I feel myself returning to where I was when we first started or have I even move from there in the first place?Such thoughts are seemly taboo and so scary. But sometimes I thought to help me, to help us, I have to think about all these again.

All along...I've met guys who stole my heart, guys who could really connect with me, guys who wanted me, guys whom I wanted...and I truely wish that one day you could be that only guy. And when I thought we are getting closer to that, bad things just happened and when the disconnection is realised, suddenly all that is like a mirage.

I am sorry that I tend to concentrate more all the bad stuff. I tried remembering all the good things but it is not helping when the things you are telling me is not what I wish to hear. Or rather what I wanna see doesnt appear.

I am not expecting anything. But I am just sorry that I do not know that you are simply not very good at romancing which is a vital need for me OR simply it just dont connect that way. I dont wanna keep emphasizing on that most of the time cos I know you will felt being pressurized of 'performing' something when really romance eludes from the simple things we do.

I asked am I being demanding or I dont love you enough to feel appreciative. Trust me, it is a question that I would not like to answer and an answer you would not like to listen. Either way it doesnt feel nice and it only adds on to our insecurities.

And when all these words slip back from my throat,I wanna cool down. I know that I am at fault for being such a brat but again I am getting a lil' tired when you keep telling me that you are unhappy too but swallowed it all for the sake of mine. I am gonna use what you said that once or twice, it is fine and makes me think. Too many times, I dun feel a pinch of regret.
It is not as if I aint aware of that.I know! I am not an insensitive person and more of over sensitive at times.
When I hear that too many times,I dont feel sorry!
I am just gonna say that indeed I am 100% grateful and thankful for bring such a patient boyfriend. I know it but again that is 2 different entities from how my twirled emotions inside.

One second I am feeling so sorry and wishing so badly to be the gal you wanna see.
Another second I am getting annoyed from what you wanna see and it is presenting to me that you wish not to accept the other side of me which happen to be bad and ugly.
And then I am angry when everything is like so 'sian', it is almost DUE to my moodiness and not even a lil of the way if anything that could make me happy (inturn making you happy too) is seem.
Just because one or two things didnt goes according to agenda, it does not mean EVERYTHING is ruined!And when I become sulky, fuck it is a result of MY mood.

I dunno man. When you keep saying that you take it as it is your fault, do you really think it is so and then not make it happen again?

I just say it takes 2 hands to clap. I admit pretty much that I am at fault and I hope you understand what I need too and not just saying that taking it as your mistakes, sounding like taking sacrifies for big salvage projects.

I am starting to realise that when I am really not very enthusiastic lately when you are so keen to spend time with your relatives and involved me. I love the aunties and the kids. But I know you are just enjoying yourself more with them than with me lately. I hope you recalled how I looked last Sunday. Tell me if my smile was a facade or from the heart. I have no reason to be 'jealous' of that 5 year old cos I adore her too much but again...I wish you spend that much of attention and effort to make me smile like her.And hope you realised that I am NOT her. Catching a plushie seems fun but I am 22 for goodness sake. Spending that so many a dollars to catch a small doll, I would rather you buy it from Minitoons and give it to me outta the sudden without any reason. See..such lil seemly sweet thing would means nothing to me once I said it out and then you do it.Do I have to open a class to teach?

I know the more I said, the more demanding I would appear to you people.
Oh what do you understand? And whenyou want me to tell you face to face, you know I cant. I can only relate how I really feel to those who connect with me from the heart.

And the most fucking thing is that when I put it through words after everything...it seems so meaningless.
Cos' I recalled nothing ever change (yet)."

We don’t even talk anymore
And we don’t even know what we argue about
Don’t even say I love you no more’c
ause saying how we feel is no longer allowed
Some people will work things out
And some just don’t know how to change

Let’s don’t wait till the water runs dry
We might watch our whole lives pass us by
Let’s don’t wait till the water runs dry
We’ll make the biggest mistake of our lives
Don’t do it baby

Now they can see the tears in our eyes
But we deny the pain that lies deep in our hearts
Well maybe that’s a pain we can’t hide’
cause everybody knows that we’re both torn apart
Why do we hurt each other
Why do we push love away

-Boyz II Men